Thursday, November 25, 2004

The Bedford Street Shrek

I was walking along the High Street in Exeter, turning the corner into Bedford Street to go to the Post Office, when I saw at my feet … a monster. It was just past mid-day.

I stopped, hesitated, unsure whether to run away or stop and stare in disbelief. A hideous, dwarf-like creature with a one hundred year old face, pasty, bony, wrinkled, shrivelled skin masking a tiny head and a bizarre mohican hair cut, along with mule-like, goofy, gappy teeth and giant, rubbery hands. What on earth is it?

There were now fifty people alongside me, all forming a semi-circle around this mysterious beast, sat down against the wall at the corner, cornered. It was trapped. I withdrew several yards and turned to see for myself what it was. It was talking, all in a low-pitched, husky, gravely and incomprehensible mutter, like the missing link from the Amazon. Or a Peruvian, human Shrek pygmie, a miniature John Mills' village idiot in Ryan's Daughter. Think of a skinny Quasimodo without the hunchback.

There were some children there, too – a few looked enchanted, utterly amazed at the spectacle before them; most looked away in timid horror, burying their faces in their guardian’s chest. The beast just carried on muttering, its rasping, guttural tones sending a shudder down the spine. Then it made a sudden move towards some people, a group of teenage girls, at the far side; they scattered, shrieking. But it stayed put, stuck on a square rucksack, its tartan trousers looking suspiciously big for the torso.

It was, of course… a street entertainer (hidden somewhere inside the rucksack). I gave 'it' 50p.

It played the flute and had a nice line in hand gestures, dabbing its hollow forehead now and then, even tapping it hard with its juggler's baton. But then the show stopped, after five minutes, and a big man slowly appeared from inside the square ruck sack. He climbed out and thanked the audience. Whoever this man was - and he was at least six feet, quiet stocky - he needed the dexterity of Frankie Dettori and the escapology of Harry Houdini to shrink himself to such a small shape. No wonder his legs were in agony as he stood up.

This man was at least as good as any of the brilliant clowns and street performers at the Sidmouth International Festival, last summer. Outside the old market place, in Fore Street, several clowns performed in front of audiences up to three hundred and you never thought that the next could possibly be as good as the last - but they always were. There was one who looked just like David Hemmings, only twenty years younger, dressed in black trousers and waistcoat, white shirt, sweating, and cycling around on an eight feet tall unicycle. Superb. Add a few flaming, juggling batons and you get the picture.

Just like the incredible busking, multi-coloured, folk banjo, ukelele and mouth-organ combo-duo I saw in the high street in Barnstaple last summer, as well. Imagine a man sitting down, arms and legs attached to five musical instruments - including a large, multi-coloured drum with stage name painted on front - and mouth attached to a harmonica; and then playing everything simultaneously.

The Sidmouth Festival, of course, has an incredible line-up of folk music acts, as well, including some traditional English music that just takes you back to a different, bygone age and a simpler life. The free, ensemble music in the bar of the Anchor Inn was pure brilliance; also the larger, concert-style performances in their stage outside at the back. Don't forget the slick Marine Inn on the sea-front, a delight in summer when there is a blue sky outside and football on the ten screens inside.



Sidmouth International Festival:
http://www.sidmouthfestival.com/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/music/2003/sidmouth.shtml

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/r2music/folk/sidmouth2004/

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Too Stupid to be President

One of the most brilliant political websites on the Internet – excluding antiwar.com, rense.com, spiked-online.com, and all of the superb conspiracy sites such as Propaganda Matrix, Alex Jones's Prison Planet – is a satirical site called Too Stupid to be President. As its name suggests, it's all about Double Yooh (Winnie the Pooh).

I only discovered this site a few days ago and it’s taken me that long to go through their backlog of material. But I’ve been through it all now and realise that it is simply brilliant. The most amazing feature is the series of animated cartoons, all featuring George Bush, his cronies and his administration.

Take the cartoon Get Stupid. This begins with Bush – in his typical, moron, neo-Ronnie Corbett persona – addressing the United Nations over the grave threat of Iraq and Saddam Hussein, prior to the invasion and occupation. There are two giant video projection screens and Bush addresses the audience, describing the evil menace of Saddam (and his kitchen microwave). Then he goes off to meet Dick Cheney in his mansion – here, the fun begins!

Dick Cheney is now Dr No, complete with ICBMs - 'and like you haven't taken home office supplies?' - white cat, and an evil plan to take over the world (is that satire or real?).

The cartoons are so professional, so well-written and so brilliantly presented that they should be on tv; but that would never happen, of course. Rumsfeld is great, here a sort of Woody Allen, stand-up bloke joking about the Geneva Convention ('sounds more like a polite suggestion than rules'). Also: The Benny Hill Presidency and The World's First 'Anti-Peace' Anthem with Bush a hippie, singing 'All I am say-in... is give War a chance'. Priceless.


Too Stupid to be President:
http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/

Rense:
http://www.rense.com/

Alex Jones's Prison Planet:
http://www.prisonplanet.com/

Antiwar (mainly links to various newspaper articles on the war, from around the world, and the regular columnists such as Pat Buchanan, Charlie Reese, Joseph R Stromberg, etc.):
http://www.antiwar.com/

Pravda (a fairly anti-Western Russian website):
http://english.pravda.ru/

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

A North Devon Tour

It was 4 o’clock in the morning at the Strand, Barnstaple, a promenade beside the river, all underneath the unblemished yet dark night sky. Nearby was the eighteen-arched, medieval packhorse bridge and under this flowed the Taw, in the twilight like a giant river of Guinness, topped in parts by a thick, frothy head, visibly agitated by the peremptory call of the estuary and the sea, six miles away. In this quest, it meets its neighbour, the River Torridge, just four miles away, before their great, united emancipation in Barnstaple (or Bideford) Bay.

At the far side of the Taw begins that magical land of the otter. This is, without doubt, the land of Henry Williamson and Charles Kingsley.

A police van slowed as it drove past, its single officer aroused to suspicion by the strange spectre of two middle-aged male adults standing around, now scrutinising the millennium dial on the pavement of the mini-piazza: Time Capsule Below. The town council had done a fine job in documenting and encapsulating the meaning and history of Barnstaple in a series of colourful and intricate mosaics in this, however humble, the Trafalgar Square of Barnstaple. Mostly seafaring, of course, with references to the trade with Africa, Australia and the Americas; they must have read Westward Ho!, putting aside any rivalry with the town's great neighbour, Bideford, just nine miles yonder.

Barnstaple and Bideford are like two twins - identical twins if you account for their geography - linked since 1988 in trade and tourism by the umbilical chord of the A39, now branded the Atlantic Coast Highway, in honour of the famous Atlantic Coast Express train service (ACE). My mission tonight was to cover both towns before returning to Exeter.

This great road is reached from Exeter most easily by joining the A361 - the North Devon Link road - somewhere around Tiverton, if tourism is your primary motive, since you can also take advantage of the sublime, alpine scenery of the A396 Exe Valley road. It's a fifteen mile, slow drive but you get to take in Bickleigh and some great views of the River Exe, gradually hemmed in more and more by the hills as they close-in the further up the valley you go towards Exmoor.

The A361 itself is another new, fast road - though single carriageway - and it takes you to Barnstaple in under thirty minutes. It must've cost tens of millions to build, judging by the number of streamline, high-altitude viaducts and crossings. Regretably, however - like the Ilminster by-pass - it is one of those roads that can't make up its mind whether it should be a dual-carriageway or not; in many sections, it is actually three lanes so you wonder why they didn't just go dual.

In Barnstaple, after putting in another £4 of fuel - 55 miles in this ten-year-old, Renault 19 Biarritz TDI car - I asked the sixty year old man at the petrol garage, protected by bullet-proof glass, if he knew of anywhere to buy a cup of tea at four in the morning.

'urh... narrgh', he mumbled through the intercom, all too much effort. A pathetic response. I said nothing more.

There is always somewhere to buy a cup of tea in a town this size. And so there was, later on, at a BP/Spar, modern, supermarket-garage the other side of town, on the way out. £1.15 for a self-service tea - tea bag, water, paper cup and UHT milk capsule - is a bit pricey, but just about worth it, even on my minute budget.

Westward Ho! is a curious place to visit in the early morning in late November but, even under these conditions, it is still an attractive town, like an enlarged, more successful - though less commercial - version of Dawlish Warren. Its whole existence is owed to the holiday (and convalescence?) trade, as seen in the enormous number of both caravans and holiday chalets, little huts providing, I should imagine, very cosy and quaint accommodation. Henry David Thoreau, the Walden transcendentalist, could quite enjoy himself here.

The chalets - all white and wooden - stretch in a narrow line, five-deep, along about two miles of the end of Atlantic Way and then Merley Road, a small dirt track leading right down to Rock Nose and the Mermaid's Pool, just where the rugged, rocky coast begins. There is a lighthouse at work somewhere at the end, too. It is like the Nova Scotia coast in that film, The Shipping News (2001), with Julianne Moore.

Back in the 'town centre', they are accompanied, or complimented, by a number of large holiday parks and amusement arcades - Fantasy Island, Surfbay and so forth - that reach down to Pebble Ridge, the four mile long coast of boulder sized pebbles, and the golf links. Unlike the 'big', Portland end of Chesil Beach, and its potato-sized pebbles, here they are dinosaur pebbles, large enough to break your leg or foot.

Maybe, back in about 1400, the corporations of Barnstaple and Bideford did a deal with the same bridge builder, for they look identical, the latter now supplanted by the vast, 100 ft tall 1988 bridge of the A39, just a mile down the Torridge, towards Appledore and the estuary. The two towns have a symmetry, like a mirror image of each other, both with a long, old bridge; in Barnstaple the town is on the north side, in Bideford the town is on the south side.

There is no other part of England that has so many inlets and estuaries, most harbouring a fine town near the mouth. You think of Dartmouth and Kingswear; Falmouth, Wadebridge, Padstow, Salcombe, Kingsbridge and so on. All of these great Westcountry towns were once served by the railway, too, though that is forty years gone, now.

For some stupid reason, I never used to like Bideford, probably due to its odd name (and my old manager at ABC in Exeter, Dave Griffin, came from here and spoke with a terrible accent). But that was before I had a car and before I ever went there, since the old railway line stopped at Barnstaple.

Bideford is a beautiful, fascinating town, climbing its steep hills with some fine Georgian and Edwardian buildings, none ever troubled by the fortunes of war. As Charles Kingsley noted, its Quay is lined with many, many pubs and inns and you could easily pass a fine summer afternoon here just drinking (if only you could return to Exeter without driving), admiring the spectacular quay and exploring the town itself, up the hill.

Perhaps a stroll over the bridge to East-the-Water. Then, you could look back on the 'little white town' and see it in all its glory, the wide Torridge and mile long quay quay framing the town, stretching up two hundred feet to be capped by fine woods. To your left, you have the river heading off upstream to more wooded valleys.

I never like returning on the same route out. Fortunately, Bideford to Exeter offers the A386 to Great Torrington. One day I will explore this famous old market town and give it the respect it deserves; but that is all for another day trip and not at 5 o'clock in the morning.

The valley of the River Torridge is undoubtedly magnificent, mostly wooded and lined with many white water cascades and weirs. And otters. And the old railway line, its stations still visible along most of the road.

At Torrington, the B3220 to Copplestone is a long, twenty mile stretch of pure darkness, no street lights and no traffic. This is what I have always termed 'real driving', that which involves a lot of gear changes, a lot of steering and lots of gradients.

Beaford and Winkleigh also deserve further exploration, the former, I imagine, typical of the remote Devon village favoured by John Betjeman. The great Metroland evangelist made a film once in Northlew, near Okehampton, and to visit the place is still to step back in time, even though you know the main road is only five miles away, full of juggernauts and fast cars. His film was black and white, made in about 1960, and to watch it is to see a Westcountry remote from the hustle and bustle of metropolitan and industrial civilisation.

At Winkleigh, the B3220 crosses the old second world war aerodrome, a few huts and hangers still there. There is no sign of a run-way, but this was a large, significant airfield in its day - now an industrial estate - used mainly for secret missions. I imagine it covered both the Atlantic and the English Channel and northern France. There are still some Polish people around, right here, bang in the middle of Devon; just look at the phone book. Sadly, the old airfield has no memorials of any description and no tourist information; not a single information point or anything.

If you have time, stop off at the incredible, 15th century, thatched Kings Arms pub, in the village. It is in the middle of the village square, surrounded by the deserted road - all traffic by-passes this village - yet inside you are transported back to the age of giant wooden timbers, enormous open fires. This is the sort of sizeable village that still only has about three shops - in this case, a butchers, general store and another.

Apart from a superb restaurant, it has the most amazing, unofficial yet very professional collection of military memorabilia, books and records from the last two hundred years of war. When I was here in July, with J on the return from his driving test, on the subject of the original cost of a first world war officer's cap, I guessed 40s; on the inside it was marked 32s. Not a bad guess!

Nearer Copplestone, and the end of the journey, you pass North Tawton, the home of another, late poet laureate, Ted Hughes. He loved Dartmoor and one of his favourite spots - his memorial is there - is the source of four major Devon rivers, the Torridge (Okement), Taw, Dart, Teign, two flowing north, two flowing south.

This whole hinterland - mid-Devon - must be explored more fully at some point. And Dartmoor.







The Atlantic Coast Highway website (contains some excellent tourist and historical stuff on the great highway and all of the towns along the way to Falmouth):
http://www.atlantic-highway.co.uk/
Dartmoor Walks. This site is brilliantly produced with superb photos and walks with maps. Has a section on the Ted Hughes memorial, found at SX 609865
The John Betjeman Society website:
A civil engineer's report on the Bideford A39 bridge, with some superb pictures, including some of the old bridge by the quay:

Monday, November 22, 2004

Directors of Football

What is a Director of Football and what is the point?

That is the question that is right now a cause of great concern for Harry Redknapp, the manager of Portsmouth. Since he took over as manager at Fratton Park, about two and a half years ago, Harry has done a magnificent, truly brilliant job; he has transformed the club, taken them into the Premiership and made them successful. But now, for some unknown reason, the club’s Serbian chairman and owner, Milan Mandaric, has appointed a Director of Football, Velimir Zajec.

This will precipitate the relegation of Pompey, as sure as the gathering of storm clouds overhead will lead to rain. Indeed, there is simply no club in English football that has been successful with a Director of Football.

At Exeter City, there has been nothing but mediocrity and failure since Steve Perryman arrived as Director of Football, about three years ago. The club has slipped into the Conference, several managers have come and gone, yet Perryman remains in his mysterious advisory role. He is often on local, Westcountry tv – usually walking along the beach at Lympstone, the glorious Exe estuary in the background – talking about his aims and stuff. I can’t remember what he said, except that he might go back to Japan at some point, when a great job comes up (he said that four years ago). But, what do they actually do, these directors of football?

Some say their job is to oversee the buying of players and sort of present them to the current manager as the raw product, something to work with. But this is a disaster. There is simply no way that any of the top managers would work in such a situation. It is like giving Ian Botham a baseball bat for the Ashes and telling him to get on with it.

There is the argument that a director of football overseas the youth system and, in addition to transfers, also overseas the wage structure. Indeed, it is possible that an unscrupulous manager - George Graham at Arsenal, even Ferguson with his son, Jason the agent - could use agents to cream off money from the club via the football agent, that must disgusting creature of modern football. It is possible, and the wage bill at Portsmouth is now about £20 million; there is no knowing how much of the transfer fees paid out have gone to agents. In this set up, corruption is easy.

Mandaric says it is all about 'having a ready-made system in place that any individual can turn his hand to'. But this is rubbish. All of the greatest and most successful clubs are a personification of their great managers: you think of Matt Busby (Man Utd), Bill Shankly (Liverpool), Jock Stein (Celtic), Ted Drake, Tommy Docherty and Dave Sexton (Chelsea), Herbert Chapman (Huddersfield and Arsenal) and so on... Jose Mourinho??? John Neal created success at Wrexham and Middlesbrough before arriving at Chelsea in 1983; each team failed when he left.

Brian Clough created success at Derby County in the early 1970s and when he left it vanished; the same thing happened after he left Forest in 1993. There was also Bill Nicholson at Tottenham, and Don Revie at Leeds. Even Alec Stock at Yeovil.

Arsene Wenger, at Arsenal, is famous for his astute judgement in the buying and selling of players; he has been very successful, not only in producing one of the finest teams that English football has ever seen, but also in generating a handsome profit. You think of Messrs. Marc Overmars, Emanuel Petit and others, all sold for fees in the double millions. His most successful players – in particular, Patrick Vieira – have been bought for very modest fees yet are now worth tens of millions.

The fact is that a Director of Football is a sort of meta-manager – a manager of the manager – and there is no way that it can work. This was shown by Jacques Santini’s early departure from Spurs, working under Frank Arnesen and Martin Jol, a sort of double Director of Football duo who have now formed their own coach-director relationship.

Dave Bassett was Director of Football at Leicester City, and they are now failures and he’s just been sacked by their new manager, Craig Levein. 'I've never worked with a Director of Football before', says Levein. Mickey Adams tried working under Bassett for three years but there was little success and attendances sank by a few thousand. The Foxes were most successful, in more recent times, when Martin O'Neil was in sole charge of the team, with no interference.

The only alternative to the English, managerial supremo system is the Boot Room philosophy, something used to awesome effect at Liverpool, in the 1970s and 1980s (from 1959 to 1998). The Anfield 'boot room' ethos - if it ever really existed - was a sort of bottom-up culture, unlike the top-down, director of football method. At Anfield, successful players - even unsuccessful ones, such as Roy Evans - became immersed in the dressing room culture and the training methods used at the club and stayed around to render assistance to the new manager, usually appointed from within the club.

It could be argued that Bob Paisley and Joe Fagan, two of the most successful managers in the history of English football, were part of a greater team set-up, a Boot Room team and methodology. There must have been a similar approach at Wimbledon, except that they called it a 'Crazy Gang' methodology; Dave Basset's greatest mistake was leaving Wimbledon.

Alternatively, the only double act that works in English football is a management duo, one where the manager appoints his own assistant. Brian Clough and Peter Taylor were the most successful, at Nottingham Forest, and there have been others. John Sillett and George Curtis won the FA Cup in 1987, at Coventry, in a double act. In this arrangement, one person is the more senior and sort of delegates some duties to his chosen side-kick. There is no room for ambiguity and the relationship works; if it doesn’t, then the senior one simply sacks the junior one.

Of course, this is not to say that a chairman should not have a good working relationship with his manager. It is little surprise that since Ian Ridley, the journalist and chairman, left Weymouth in the summer, the team has under-performed and his close associate - confidante, even - the highly experienced player, Steve Claridge, has since been sacked. This may have something to do with the creation of the Conference South, but it might have happened anyway. It's just a shame that Claridge's sacking didn't come one month earlier since he then could have become manager of Exeter City, before Alex Inglethorpe. Martyn Rogers is a successful supremo at Tiverton, one league below them.

Alex Ferguson likes to leave the coaching to someone like Carlos Queiroz, the Portuguese; Arsene Wenger allocates that same role to Pat Rice, it is said. But with the Director of Football, the whole set-up is a lot more uncertain. Often, the two will never have met before and it simply generates misunderstanding and resentment - this is the situation at Portsmouth.

That is why Good 'ole Harry will resign within two weeks, probably going back to Bournemouth or somewhere. If he goes to Dean Court (the 'Fitness First' stadium, alas) with a couple of million or so, he can run the whole show himself, being Director of Football, manager, owner and so forth.

This is what you might term the 'holistic' philosophy, once favoured by Ron Noades, at Crystal Palace. At Selhurst Park, he was owner, chairman, manager, all at the same time; it even worked for a while. Ron used to run the club and then enter the dressing room, before kick-off, to tell them how to play; he even ran the training sessions. To Bill Shankly's Chairman Mao, Ron Noades was Pol Pot (Shankly often made references to the 'Red Army' and similar, Chinese communist references).

This alien, continental system, is a bit like trying to impose Cabinet government and collective responsibility on a natural tyrant. The traditional English manager needs to be a Stalinist, or at the very least, a strong President. He needs to make all of the decisions without any interference whatsoever. Checks and balances does not work in English football management. Maybe the modern English manager needs to be Tony Blair, the new dictator, with no reference to HM Queen (the Director of Football of Britain).



The Boot Room Net, 'a celebration of that most famous of all footballing institutions, the Liverpool FC Boot Room'. Contains a list of the Chief Scouts (including Geoff Twentyman), First Team Trainers (including Reuben Bennet and and Doug Livermore), and Youth Development officers (including Tom Saunders). A brilliant, fascinating website, complete with biographies of the big five and a graphical chart of every single boot room member:
http://www.lfcbootroom.net/



Craig Levein, new Leicester City manager:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/l/leicester_city/3978279.stm

John Sillet and George Curtis at Coventry City:
http://www.cwn.org.uk/skyblues/jim-brown/2001/011019-managers-john-sillett.htm

The Observer: Stuart Barnes article on Harry Redknapp available:
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/sport