Mountain Bikes are Rubbish

I've had enough of First Great Western and their annoying, paranoid ticket checks at St Davids station in Exeter. So I've begun cycling to work, instead.

Last week, FGW decided to organise a mass-ticket swoop at the main railway station for Exeter, probably allied to some great anti-terrorist exercise. They locked the handy side-gate at the station, and mounted full checks at the main barrier, manned by several nervous looking men and women of FGW, all wearing that dark, navy blue suit (with the purple trimmings and logo) and those modern, yellow flourescent tunics, as if at any moment a dense fog is about to descend, leading to a rush of ticket-dodging.

I wouldn't mind, but there is only one ticket machine - for cash - and never more than one ticket counter open (out of about 6) making it impossible to buy a ticket in anything less than 10 minutes. This is where the cycling comes in; this is where I forge alliance with Boris Johnson, that great cyclist, formerly of the Spectator, now of the front page of The Sun, the Daily Mirror and Private Eye (always pictured on a bicycle).

Why pay £2.40 a day for a return ticket that only gets me about one third of the distance from where I live to where I work? The total journey is about 6.5 miles, the train (from St Davids to Digby & Sowton station) is about 2.4 miles, leaving me with a 10 minute walk at the home end and a 35 minute walk at the work end.

Enter the bicycle! My bike is about 15 years old yet perfectly suitable for cycling 6.5 miles to work. It's also not a mountain bike. It's a traditional, old-fashioned mens racing bike. Why do grown men and women spend fucking £700 on a mountain bike? What sort of brains do they have?

Mountain bikes are the 4x4 cars of bicycles: they are actually designed for riding across bloody mountains and open fields. They would be very good for that purpose; but, like the ubiquitous urban 4x4 car, they are NEVER used for the purpose for which they were designed. Moronic adults cycle around town - on proper, urban tarmac roads - on mountain bikes, wondering why they're putting in so much effort cycling. Any adult with any basic intelligence should understand that mountain bikes are no good for urban, on-road cycling!

Did you ever see even one competitor on the Tour de France use a mountain bike!!?? Ever wonder why even the annual King of the Mountains uses a standard mens racing bike? It's because a mens racing bike is ideal for on-road cycling. It's faster, smoother, and less effort. The wheels are bigger and the tyres are smaller, making a mens racing bike ideal for road-cycling. Tell that to the morons who cycle around town on mountain bikes.

I whizz past all of the stationary traffic along Honiton Road, through Heavitree, right up to Middlemoor and then down Sidmouth Road to the giant roundabout at Sandygate, where it passes under the M5 motorway. Maybe I look strange - a cyclist amidst four lanes of traffic, giant lorries towering over me as I make my way to the front of the queue, ready for the lights to turn green.

But, the entire journey by bicycle only takes 31 minutes, compared with 60 by train (including 45 minutes walking) and even 36 minutes by car. I must've been mad not to cycle before.

I did try the 'safe' route down to Clyst St Mary, going up Quarry Lane to Digby & Sowton station, over the A379 - where a motorcyclist died yesterday - then along Old Rydon Lane to the other side of Sandygate. However, that adds about 10 minutes to the journey. It means going up-hill in order to go down-hill, whereas the motorway/Sandygate route is faster and shorter.

I can't stand those poncy, trendy people who - like the FGW ticket inspectors - have to wear bright yellow, flourescent tunics (in broad daylight) and crash helmets (those irritating, weird, UFO-shaped helmets). I just cycle in with my normal clothes on and No crash helmet. No doubt, soon, this awful Labour government will make it illegal to cycle without a crash helmet. But I'll continue without one.

Of course, I did crash the other day, after work. Just a minor little thing in the car park at work, no other people or vehicles involved at all. Just trying to zip up my jacket, no hands on the handlebars, front wheel jack-knifed, then whack, straight over the handle bars. However, my hands did the job of protecting my head. A crash helmet would've made no difference at all. I damaged my ribs, but what good would a crash helmet have done for that?

Let the experiment continue...