News Review section, Sunday Times - the Journalism of the Simpsons

I used to like the News Review section of the Sunday Times, but after reading the article They're Out to Get Me. It's all a Conspiracy (Sunday, 5 December, 2004), I had no choice but to write to its author, Jasper Gerard, a total moron pretending to be a serious journalist. Gerard makes Norman Shields - the idiot journalist in the Norman Wisdom comedy, Press for Time (1966) - look like Malcolm Muggeridge or Gareth Jones.


THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME. IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY. SUNDAY TIMES, 5 DECEMBER 2004 - SUB-O LEVEL/GCSE STANDARD OF WRITING (WRITTEN IN 10 MINUTES?)

Dear Sir,

After reading your pathetic article, above, I feel I have no choice but to comment on what is, sadly, the most appalling and amateurish piece of writing that I have ever seen in the News Review section of the Sunday Times. I can only assume that you wrote the article in about ten minutes or that you are simply a totally incompetent and amateurish writer. (Or a 13 year old masquerading as a serious journalist on the Sunday Times).

I would point out the following faults:

SYNTAX
Your work displays a sub-O Level standard of English grammar and the basics of syntax. Take the following example:

But last week Galloway won a libel action against The (sic) Daily Telegraph, which claimed he had received bungs from Saddam after finding some papers in Baghdad.

Does your sentence, above, mean that Galloway received bungs because he found some papers in Baghdad? Try actually thinking about the construction of the sentence – the ordering of clauses – before writing. You should have written this sentence as:

But last week Galloway won a libel action against the Daily Telegraph, which, after finding some papers in Baghdad, claimed he had received bungs from Saddam.

In the latter sentence – my suggestion – the reader does not become confused about who received bungs and why. Your sentence makes it look like Galloway received bungs because he found some papers in Baghdad.

I would suggest, Mr Gerard, that you get some remedial tuition in elementary English grammar and syntax.

ATTEMPTS AT RHETORIC/FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE
Your attempts at rhetoric and figurative language are embarassingly hopeless and pathetic.

Take the following example:

You talk of ‘Gorgeous George’ all the time; this is a boring, banal cliché and shows no originality at all, especially as you use the phrase repeteadly. Your attempt at a joke - in using the phrase Lord Galloway of Gorgeous - is what you would expect from a 16 year old, never mind a professional journalist on the Sunday Times.

You speak of ‘young British squaddies’ being ‘fearful in Fallujah’. Is this a serious attempt at alliteration or some sort of reinforcement of what you are saying? It is pathetic, amateurish, facile rubbish, just what you would expect from a 13 year old writing a school essay. Your banal phrase was obviously written to fit your limited writing skills and limited knowledge of the war in Iraq, as it takes no notice of the total absence of British troops anywhere near the town of Fallujah. British troops remained at Camp Dogwood, just running a few sorties in its environs; get your facts 'write'.

Similarly:

‘everyone bar the coffee cups’? What the hell does that mean?

‘yes it would be good to have honey for tea’. What does that mean?

CHILDISH/TEENAGE STYLE OF WRITING
You actually begin entire paragraphs with words and phrases such as:

‘I’m left thinking, yeah, right.’ (Which is not even punctuated correctly. To be effective, it should have read: I'm left thinking: 'yeah, right!')
‘Hmmm.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Hang on George.’

How old are you, Mr Gerard? You write like a 10 year old American child, someone who obviously spends too much time watching rubbish on 'telly' (as you put it), such as the Simpsons.

In your mugshot next to the article, you look about 35 years old, or thereabouts. However, you write like a 13 year old. I am very sorry to be so critical; it is just that I began reading what I thought would be a serious, interesting article on George Galloway but realised I was reading complete rubbish. Please, Mr Gerard, spend some more time thinking about your writing before getting it published. You owe us all that small grace.

Many thanks

Frankie, Devon.

LINKS
GARETH JONES
This is a link to a tremendous, fantastic and comprehensive website on the giant of war reporting and serious journalism, Gareth Jones:

http://colley.co.uk/garethjones/index.htm

Gareth Jones - independently of Malcolm Muggeridge, his equally sublime and ground-breaking fellow-journalist - visited the Ukraine in the great famine/genocide of 1932-3. He produced some of the greatest factual journalism of all time, I would suggest, and deserves far greater recognition. He also wrote about the rise of Hitler and Mussolini, de Valera, Lord Craigavon and Ireland, China/Manchuria and other matters. He wrote for the Western Mail, Manchester Guardian, Times, Evening Standard and other papers. He wrote on rural Wales and Ireland and America; check the website for every single article.

Gareth Jones spoke fluent Russian, German, and four other languages; he did not use slang and colloquial rubbish, and would never sink to using 'Simpsons' - had it existed back then - in professional, serious newspaper writing. I would even venture to suggest that he was a greater writer than the mighty Orwell. Even George Gissing.

In his work for the Western Mail, he wrote a series of reports on social and economic conditions in Wales and visited many towns and villages, including Merthyr, Barry and those of the Valleys. In one article, he discusses the work of the Workers' Educational Association, that fine B & Q/Do it All of education which, to this day, has in nearly every large town in Britain a little hall somewhere continuing the good work. (I once attended a WEA course, back in Brighton, in 1992).

Alas, Gareth Jones was killed by bandits, in China in 1935, at the age of 30. Otherwise, he would have been a literary colossus of the 20th century, without doubt.


MALCOLM MUGGERIDGE
Try this link for the writing of Muggeridge on the Ukraine famine and genocide:

http://www.artukraine.com/famineart/muggeridge5.htm

Malcolm Muggeridge - see his article Most Terrible Thing I Have Ever Seen - is credited with telling the West about the terrible famine and genocide in the Ukraine, during which cannibalism was rife.